The World According to Mr Galoshi

John Terry, Ashley Cole, Vernon Kay - Letting the Guys down!

2010-02-12T08:08:00.000-08:00

It's been an emotional time in the news, alot has happened in the last month or so.

Haiti was blitzed and is still suffering, erm, a fashion icon who hanged himself (I don't follow fashion so i don't know who all you ladies are crying about...) and most importantly for me as a guy, more news of male infidelity. Can we have a *collective sigh* please?

It all started this year with John Terry, crazy guy makes millions and sleeps with an ex team-mates girlfriend/fiancee/babymother, that's bad enough, but add the fact that he also got her pregnant, paid for her to have, what the tabloids called, a "lucrative" abortion and we have a whole new meaning for the term, "Men are dogs."

I guess, he is lucky he is a footballer, only so much damage can be done if you have a ball kicked at you, beats getting chased with your own golf clubs, eh?

So, he has now, lost the England captaincy, potentially, his wife and going by his last performance against Saha (not Everton), his head!

But the thing is, that for all his heroism on the pitch he couldn't be man enough to own up to it once he got a whiff that the media smelt blood, so what did he do, he took out an injunction on the media! Banning them from reporting it, more fool him, that is like baiting a caged lion, then opening the gates, bound to get mauled, no?

That's just one male in the news these past few weeks, 'taking up the mantle' from Terry as one of my friends put it, was Vernon Kay, "happily" married to Tess Daly, found to be having a "sex-text affair" (personal snigger) come on now...what is it with the rich and famous, never satisfied with what they have.

Equally, I wasn't satisfied with his statement, I never am, "I knew it was getting silly. I'm never going to do it again. I'm so sorry, I've been an idiot and I've let my family down." ok maybe it isn't so daft now I look at it. At least he didn't try to gag the media, eh? But his next words actually made me laugh, "I've only done it with four or five girls and I've known them all well - they've been friends or work colleagues." Rewind: ONLY four or five girls?? And because they were work colleagues and friends that makes it alright. yeah?
So guys, a tip from Vernon Kay: If you've known them since university or work with them, its ok to sex-text them! *sighs* You all will probably be getting excited about that last statement - but sorry, IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Today, no sooner was I thinking, 'why are all Chelsea players such infidels', than I read the front page of the Sun newspaper, saying: "X-Rated ASHLEY PHOTOS SENT TO MODEL". The man never learns, he's already had one affair, now he is sending, oh sorry, "a mate" is sending photos of him naked to a topless model.

Apparently, according to Cole, he took the pictures while in his hotel room, on an unregistered pay-as-you-go mobile (you're a multi-millionaire, what the hell you need a PAYG phone for?) in "all his glory", he forgot to delete the photos gave the phone away to a friend, who gave the phone to another and that friend sent the photos to the model in question, I say nothing, but my eyebrows are raised at the likeliness.

I just wanted to say one thing, and you can quote me on this, for all their greatness on the pitch, Chelsea players are dogs, hell, even their owner is! Abramovich is now divorced over an affair with a younger woman, Lampard has already been done over, who next? Drogba? Actually, I look forward to that one.

So, what now for us guys?
We keep letting each other down, we should be more like the 300 spartans rather than Troy, with its devious ways and stop getting screwed from behind.

It has been a good month for women, especially the ones who drone on about men being dogs.

I think it's time for the guys to start ACTING like men and put away childish things.

If they don’t win it this Season they will definitely win it next......

2010-02-01T17:07:00.000-08:00

Sunday 4th October 2009 Chelsea 2-0 Liverpool

Much has been made, in just over 24 hours, of the Kop’s defeat by Chelsea, alot of damning reports suggesting that they are a team in decline missing a spark. As a Manchester United fan I should not be writing this, but it makes sense and is 100% true. Liverpool are improving. FACT.

While it IS true that they miss Xabi Alonso, this only seems to be the case for the ‘Big Four’ matches, before the Chelsea match they had scored 20 goals in the 5 games they had won, the media say that all those teams were bottom half teams and meaningless, but I disagree, the reason they failed to win the Premiership last season is because they dropped points to the said bottom half teams.

What we are seeing is Rafa Benitez trying to bring balance to his team. In the games they have won Liverpool haven’t once looked like a team missing Xabi Alonso, and it might be fair to add, that only lat week Chelsea lost 3-1 to Wigan and Manchester United have drawn with Sunderland and lost to Burnley. Winning the Premiership these days is more about the teams performances against ‘lesser’ opponents and thus far Liverpool have done well against those opponents but have had their lack of fluidity in the transition from midfield to attack exposed by Aston Villa, Tottenham and Chelsea.

Last season their emphasis was on tightening their defence and making home a fortress while attacking with malice and they did it well, there were times when, I admit, it seemed they were destined to win, but then Rafa cracked like an hard boiled egg, so did the team.

This season seems to be about addressing last seasons shortcomings for Liverpool and they are doing it well but are not performing against the Top 8 teams, I expect that to change soon enough.

So eight games in, 5 wins, 3 losses, 6 points behind can they turn it around, hell yes, it is not even the Christmas period yet, traditionally one of the most hectic in the fixture schedule, oh and let’s not forget, Chelsea will be without Drogba, Essien, Mikel and Kalou in that period due to African Nations Cup, so alot can happen between now and the end of the season. Manchester United are not looking too strong either, grinding out results week after week.

The two teams in the premiership who have lost arguably their most effective players to the same team, are the same two teams who are currently trying to paper the cracks, but I am certain that they will be right up there trading blows. Who knows, Aquilaini maybe the answer to Liverpool’s lack of fluidity. In Manchester United’s case the team may become well-rounded with Ronaldo’s departure, or not.

This season, Liverpool will improve despite their shaky start, I don’t mind that, as long as they finish 2nd.

‘Shag Bands? Rainbow Parties? What the hell happened to child innocence?’

2009-12-05T15:25:00.000-08:00

It’s not often that something in the news shocks me: Political expenses row (which explains why the country is in a such a ridiculous state), Paris Hilton’s apparent boob job (who cares?) and Elton John attempting to adopt a kid somewhere in eastern Europe (publicity stunt anyone?). But recently I read an article in the Sun that forced me to pay attention, imagine that, the SUN writing an article that shocks me, curious. But anyway, the article was basically showing how far out of touch the current adult generation are with the upcoming youth.

It’s shocking enough to see young people playing ‘Wild West’ on the streets of UK, but hearing that children as young as 7 are being herded into acts of promiscuity, you can bloody well bet your life, house and savings that I’ll have something to say.

Apparently this whole ‘shag band’ craze revolves around fairly innocent coloured rubber wrist bands, well it looks fairly innocent.

Imagine you are out with your 7 year old child taking them to the shop to buy sweets, only to find they object and ask you to buy a pack of multi-coloured rubber bands for 99p, of course, you will wonder, ‘refusing sweets for a pack of rubber bands. Why cant you just use the multi-coloured elastic bands at home?’ they tell you, “it’s for school, everyone has them its like the new yo-yo.” Sounds innocent right? So you buy them.

Two weeks ago I bought the Sun Newspaper with the intention of reading about the ‘7minutes-of-extra-time-Gate’ and ended up on a page that only housewives read, why? ehem, ask no questions, hear no lies, but the topic incited my curiosity, “Shag Bands, do you know what your kids are up to?” the headline read, coupled with a picture of multi-coloured wristbands.

The shag band is basically a set of bands in different colours that each have an attribute attached to it, a sexual attribute to be exact, girls wear the bands, guys chase them around the playground trying to break a band, once broke the girl is obliged to perform whatever act the attribute states, this can be anything from kissing a boy to full on sex (and in between where the ‘to’ is, you have oral sex, boob flashing etc.)

As I said earlier, the age of participants starts from 7 or 8 years old. That means when we are in front of a child and about to talkd about our sexual activities, the “shhh, not in front of the kid,” will be very soon, in fact, already is replied with, “ I know what you’re talking about, I’m not a kid you know?” The Hell you’re not!

The fact is the innocence of youth is or has disintegrated. Gone are the days when the playground was full of euphoria over a beyblade battle or who can perform the best football tricks or yo-yo tricks and replaced with which guy can snap which girls black band (which represents full-on sex) first.

So basically, girls will lose their value before they even know they have any self-value to preserve and boys will continue to think that girls are their playthings or worse their concubines.

But as I read the article further, it outlined another problem, parents really do not know anything about what their children do, or worse yet show no interest. Having said that, I discover yet another problem, the government aren't exactly the most enlightened of people where young people are involved. When I say 'Government', I don't mean Local Councils, I am talking about those who really bring policies into existence, There, that’s it.

When you consider all these child protection laws being passed more easily than GCSE English you realise, that the adults in this country have their hands tied behind their back. You cannot beat your child because they know they can call social services, probably memorised the number off by heart, teachers do nothing because a child can scream, ‘child abuse’ faster than a leopard can run and destroy their career, the only people with any power in this country are the police, but even they cant do anything until the crime is committed, they don’t understand the concept of preventative measures you see.

Before we know it, we’ll be listening to spastics like that gentleman who suggested the age of consent should be lowered to 13, lowered for what bloody reason?

Here is the truth, children have more freedom than they should be allowed, more power then they can handle thanks to 20page dossiers advising teachers on how to apply pritt-stick, I kid you not. They drink, smoke & f*** their innocence away because we tolerate it and find themselves fighting battles with their body because they do not know or are too young to be taught what S.H.A.G (Syphilis, Herpes and Gonorrhoea) means.

They run about in the streets chasing girls and killing eachother like the ‘lost boys’ in Neverland, but guess what, so do we.

We need to regain control of our families, our communities and effectively the youth, our future.
I haven’t even explained rainbow parties, trust me, you don’t want me to.

I say, you take a trip to a local school lunch-time and see what your kids are up to.

David “Hug-a-thug” Cameron may be Prime Minister the way things are going now, then we’ll have a whole new problem. *Collective Sigh*

Make time for your children, they will never be able to cope with the decisions they make if they do not have the support and guidance of the older generation. Do we want the next generation to rise up with burdens they should not have at tender ages?

I blame the Health & Safety, Child Protection culture, it’s gotten out of hand and what kills it is Gordon Brown, with all his power, cannot stem the tide.

Girls ARE complicated but......

2009-10-04T05:47:00.000-07:00

Honestly, Girls are complicated!

I know arguments like this pop up all the time, according to surveys, which no one is willing to claim, one argument between males and females is started every 12 minutes, how many a year figure it out for your self.

The plain cold fact is girls may not be so much as expertly complicated as they are adept at complicating OF situations. But, here is the thing guys, the more we complain about female complication is the more we add TO the complicated situation, I hypothesise this to be true because if you spend a day in a salon, which I have, it is like a battle to see who can come up with the most complaints about men, in other words, if you complain about her she will dig 5 complaints about you, then you’ll have to hire yourself a lawyer to help with your defence.

It is an acknowledged fact that men are the more laid back and simplistic species, females on the other hand when you tally up their social, health and sexual needs you will be using the walls to write on.

Periods, hair, nails, clothes and I daresay SHOES all combine to encompass only ONE part of female complication. But my emphasis in this blog is the complication of the female mind.

Fact – women do not think straightforward like men, they calculate, scheme, fantasise and dictate (ehem, jump to conclusions) what they see, and that’s without asking questions first.

It is in their nature to be complicated, our nature is to make sense of their nature, put it into perspective and act accordingly. In other words, guys, don't complain about girls being complicated, its the reason why they are females and we are males: females are complicated, males are meant to simplify their complications.

One major aspect of this is what I call ‘the two-def statements’ this is basically when a woman says something like “I’m ok,” when she really isn’t, it is basically where most guys shoot themselves in the foot.

Now, I don’t think that this is the case for every female but alot of females do tend to cause drama. The thing is, if a man is level headed and aware of this he can easily sway the situation to his advantage.
Guys here’s a few steps to cutting through the B.S and finding out what they are really saying:

L.I.S.T.E.N!

I shouldn’t really have to explain this but there are, unfortunately, some guys out there who do not understand this concept, in simple terms, this is where you lip stops moving and your ears start working (and yes it takes alot of energy and self discipline to listen, but work on it).
Listening to a female when she is stressed, happy, angry or sad will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about what she is going through AND what you can do to help. Girls give off signals they are not even aware they are giving off when they are emotional use it to your advantage and stop analysing how loud they are talking!

Play the game YOUR way:

Women love being chased, they love to mess with your head and playing hard to get, this is all apart of their complications. Women are attracted to men who can cut through their B.S and hold their interest. This is all apart of the game we play called the ‘Battle of the sexes’. You need to learn to stand your ground and not get sucked in, I’ll tell you now, emotionally, women can absolutely batter males and leave you a wreck, I know this, I’ve experienced it once or twice.

As in any battle the army with the high ground has the advantage, this is what you are battling women for, the moral high ground, it is best if she has little complaints about you because if she does, then i’m sorry my friend, you are on your way to a certin assimilation, resistance, in this case, is futile....

It takes a high level of self control and patience to win over a woman. Guys, if you rush it you are bound to fail later on, yes, you might win over her, but she expects you to fail at some point. In order to ensure you can last you need to be slow, patient and you need to MAKE HER WANT YOU, rushing only makes you look desperate. Women are devout subscribers, whether they know or admit it, to the term, “the race is not for the swift but those who can endure to the end.”

If a woman shows, interest in you, don’t be too willing to indulge her, that’s what she wants and if you do that you’ll become her lapdog, if it was the other way around she would play hard to get, I’m advocating that you keep doing what you are doing but keep an eye on her so when you do make your move, she can’t get round you.
If you are showing interest in a woman, she is going to give you a hard time if she values herself. If you aren’t willing to endure, go home and stick to flirting on hotfling.com.
Women want to be valued, the more you value her the more she will value your interest in her. SIMPLE AS THAT! Not rocket science; this is what cutting through the complication is all about. This is what gives you the moral high ground and earns you her respect.

Understand her:
Now I am a natural flirt, it was probably water-boarded into my personality to aid my career as a spy but based on this I’ve had a few run-ins with potential wifeys in the past. This was down to my not understanding how their minds work, now I have a fairly better comprehension, my personality is hardly a problem.
FACT – Just because she is not the jealous type doesn’t mean she won’t mind you flirting.

Women talk in opposites, think of a baby who says ‘No’ when he means ‘Yes’. That’s the kind of thing you are dealing with here, figuring it out will take more energy and mind power than Albert Einstein can muster.

Simply all you have to do is read her body language, but seeing as most guys can’t do that, you’re probably better off purchasing an English-hindi translation dictionary and travelling to France with it.

It is an agreed fact that almost 94% of communication is body language. Females rarely have problems controlling their body language but DO give away tell-tale signs.
One of the simplest things to understand about females is that they want to be listened to.

Many women hold things inside ALOT of things, if as a man you cannot understand this, then buy a little cottage in Dorset, a dog and spend the rest of your days in solitation. With women, patience is a massive virtue to have, take your time, pick up on the small things she does, like playing with her hair, biting her nails these small things can point to hesitation, sadness or even confusion if you take note of these things and figure out the reason behind it you can go a long way to making a girl happy.

So really it is three SIMPLE things that can allow you to cut through the complications: Listen, Play YOUR game and Understand Her.

Simple minds think up simple ideas which create BIG money.

I’m going to hire 5 lawyers now, as I’m expecting various libel suits from angry females, but i’ll just bide my time until they make a mistake.